I have compiled two years of stories, numerous notes, and journal entries of working third shift as a customer service representative at a gas station. They are harsh and harrowing and often humorous tales of a rather dark time in my life. Not just because of the lack of sunlight. There are tornadoes, packs of roving children, dead babies, bowel movements, demanding customers, bitchy bosses, a million pennies, and some pretty horrifying holidays. My short-lived career of a CSR tested my wits and will, the fortitude of my character, my moral compass, as well as my mettle as a writer.

Once assembled into one large file, I began the laborious process of rereading, elaborating, categorizing, and organizing these narratives into something that vaguely resembles a book. So far I have ten chapters broken down into over sixty odd and various entries. Some stories span pages upon pages while others are mere sentences long. There are also bits and pieces of a musical I entertained the notion of composing while working there. What I have down so far is not set in stone. I am sure a lot of it will be moved around, combined, or even cut out.

I was often told that my early morning facebook rants after a long and loathsome shift should be turned into a book. So, I am doing just that. I hope to finish, format, work on a cover, and shop around for a publisher sometime in the near future. With another published book under my belt I plan to sell the hell out of it and move on with my life to far more grand and glorious adventures.

Intro: How To Be Subhuman

Chapter One: Sin and Cigarettes
I got the Job and Touchdown Jesus Burned
The Root of All Evil
Gratuitous Violence

Chapter Two: Bad Weather
The Argument
Night of the Twister
Below Zero

Chapter Three: The Lost Children
Lord of the Flies
Lord of the Flies pt 2
Gone Girls
The Lost Boys
The Baby, the Drugs, and the Lost Hotdog

Chapter Four: Loose Change
Sesame Street
The Time Traveler
Country Crock
Silver Certificate
300 Pennies

Chapter Five: Customer Service Superstar
Clean Hands
Customer Service Superstar
The Customer is Always Right
The Tailbone of America
(excerpts from The Tailbone of America: The Musical)
Midol, Ohio
What Boulevard
“911 whats your Emergency”
“Do I look like a Fucking Restaurant”
The Payout

Chapter Six: Degenerates
Cops
Drug Problem
Barn Door
Drunk Muscles
Hookers
Below the Belt
A Stripper in Need
Bondage Guy
The Blunt

Chapter Seven: Endless Shit Parade
“If it looks like shit, clean it. If it is shit, wear gloves.”
Another Bag of Piss

Chapter Eight: “Happy” Holiday
A Christmas Dirge
Happy New Year
The Easter Fetus
God Bless Baby
Big Toasty
Kilt Lifter
All Holidays are Drinking Holidays

Chapter Nine: Major Malfunction
Crappachino
Ketchup
Log Jam

Chapter Ten: Darker Days
Rope-A-Roni
Robberies
Bad Reasoning
Sweet Merciful Explosions
Punch Drunk
Gas Station Horror Story
Beervalaches and Bitch Tornadoes
Random Song Lyrics
The Deathwish
Dark Night of the Soul
No Week Notice